We’re here for ya!
A format is a joke shorthand but the outcome can lead to jokes that are still uniquely you. Procession is all Bird scooters4.) Why is that different from praying on underage kids?
", having a job is expensive because you have to spend all your money to justify doing something you hate, All clothes are pajamas if you don't leave your apartment, Accidentally thought someone treated me as an equal, Every night I queue a tweet that says IN HEAVEN LOL and delete it when I wake so if I die in my sleep everyone will be freaked the fuck out, Doesn't seem fair that to be as happy as possible you need drugs but to be as sad as possible all you have to do is reach your 20s, The confidence with which Planned Parenthood volunteers approach me is borderline offensive, If nothing else, we should be impressed that all presidents reached the age of 35 and still had dreams and goals, Wish I was famous so I had a reason to be nice to people, "More like RikiLeaks!" We’ll never forgive this heinous act. Jump my least favorite ex, If the Founding Fathers had the weapons of today, there wouldn’t even be a 2nd Amendment cuz all their dumbasses would be dead from dueling, *when my friend says text when you get home*29 hours later: Home, Told my therapist I wanna stop going from one extreme to the other so much and she said there’s no treatment plan for being a Gemini, Yeah, I've got FOMO.FearOfMaking OutWithAPersonILoveAndAdmireButNotGivingEnoughAttentionToMyFriendsWhoAreAlsoVeryImportantToMe, I can’t believe that doing the work I was putting off because I wanted to die made me not want to die, When you forgive someone without them apologizing, you absorb their life force into your middle finger, Being trash, like most things, is fluid and on a spectrum, If someone proposed to me on any holiday, I would immediately dump that nut job, Do you know how racist a white person has to be for them to not flip out when you call them racist. Coming up are the credits she thinks make her seem the most accomplished.
People keep saying the youth of today are much different and I agree because if someone had told me their pronouns were they/them in high school I would’ve said nigga what the fuck is a pronoun, Is it a thirst trap or am I just consistently attractive, White people Christmas cards be looking like a poster for Succession, On the show How to Get Away with Murder, how many people have gotten away with murder, The only thing I expect from a relationship is that we both have the same favorite person: me, How come when dudes wear gray sweatpants everybody wants to talk about dick prints but when I do it’s just “you’re incredibly underdressed for the wedding”, Me: I’m a great communicator Also me: I’m gonna send ‘nite’ instead of ‘night’ so she knows I’m mad, I don’t need to date someone that’s not judgmental, I just need them to be judgmental about the same shit I’m judgmental about, If anyone needs me, I’ll be scrolling back through my crush’s tweets until I don’t like them anymore.
Also, if I tell people what my voice is, then they get to decide whether or not I’m successful at achieving it. I think about my ex every few days.
One time I kneeled to tie my shoe during Living on a Prayer and it started a riot. For me, Twitter really is about healing through comedy. It’s the embodiment of how the world is…that all these things are happening concurrently. Project my tweets onto the moon2.
My tweets are extremely petty (black people’s definition) which is a symptom of aimless vulnerability. Trump has forced hot people to pay attention to politics. You can sell merch at the funeral3.)
If you date someone that's co-dependent and find out they suck, that's ok. What's important is that you found out together. Nichols: “Don’t tell anyone” is something we’ve all said and usually whatever you’re relaying isn’t about yourself so there are these false stakes attached to it. ", Periods can be painful as a heart attack.
The hardest part of being incredibly attractive is knowing when someone won't sleep with me it's 100% my personality, "How do you all know each other? Mine was "I love you but I can't be in this relationship anymore.
", Break ups are great because your biggest fear becomes that someone you love will be happy, Anytime I meet a girl I say I'm gonna marry her so on my wedding day I can go "I told my friends I'd marry you the day we met." At the time, it was traumatic but I’ve come around to being able to laugh at it because luckily the cops didn’t come and kill me for no reason. Originally set for release in 600 theaters, the film rolled out into the homes of military families and became an on-demand winner instead. Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person best known for the popular webseries, Words With Girls. In the end, the only Pokemon worth catching is yourself. Give Miranda Lambert Entertainer of the Year Already. Audience Award for First US Narrative Feature. “The straight whites have tried to ruin Fleabag by constantly calling an average looking man “the hot priest.” Don’t avoid this show because of their low aesthetic standards.” These terms can also be used when a reply to a tweet gets significantly more likes than the original tweet. He is equal parts problem and solution. Some trolls comment on public figures old tweets to intentionally ratio and dunk on them. Me once we lose healthcare: Millenials? I like when tweets hit on something that seems like a universal truth that we all were previously too ashamed to admit.
When I finally figure out what I was trying to say, it’s magic. You are so brave. Those popular ones aren’t the reason people follow me I don’t think.
Brittani: Oh, Brittani Nichols is my name. Turns out my girlfriend is just three of my exes stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat, If you pay close enough attention to someone's Twitter feed you can figure out what day they go to therapy, I ask for friends' advice because it's not enough to ignore my own intuition, basic common sense, and signs from higher powers, Got dumped by someone I wasn't dating again, Me when someone looks at me:Wow this is a personal attackMe during an actual personal attack:Are you ok can I help may I make you tea, I love my gender which is half woman half Wendy's 4 for 4.
Are there any previously established twitter formulas that still interest you? Lots of ways to do something. TV: Take My Wife, Drop the Mic, A Black Lady Sketch Show.
All Rights Reserved. In a new film about her presidential run. My favorites in general are whenever I’m publicly flirting with people and whenever I’m being heckled by @aardvarsk. Someone changed me for the worse pretty easily.
My girlfriend doesn't think my friends like her but whenever I ask which ones she refers to them all as dumbass bitches so it's hard to get to the bottom of this, I went to see Blade Runner and no one ran with a blade once, My greatest joy in life is slowly forgetting the details of something horribly embarrassing I did, I thought periods were blue until I was 35, Dating is one person arguing that they suck and the other party assuring them they don't until one of them gives up, For Halloween I'm going as the person that tags the celebrity you purposely didn't mention in their reply to your tweet, Just overheard my girlfriend saying I’ll never find love, I’m whatever level of depression it is where you actively avoid walking past tattoo shops because you’re worried you’ll impulsively get a Cheryl Strayed quote on your forearm, *gets text at 5:30*"We still on for 6:30?""Yup. I don’t have to figure it out in one day.
Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedian, writer, and actor.